The first set of trips was so amazing you just HAD to have seconds, huh? Fine.
For the hiker/biker who will travel far but needs a reason to keep going:
Duration: This takes six hours on a Sunday morning, four of which include driving to and from, so get your tunes ready. It’ll be fine.
The Hype: Step one: Download seven episodes of the Scam Goddess podcast. Choose your favorite; don’t be shy. This is what we're doing. Step two: Fill your car up with gas. Don’t be grumpy. I’m not the federal government. Note: This is not my greenest of activities, obvi, with all the driving, but don’t worry. Step three: Drive to Cottage Grove, Oregon, where you will find, at minimum, six covered bridges within minutes of each other. The photos and historical searching are priceless. Also one of these bridges is right next to where the scene from Stand By Me was filmed, so you can pretend that it was you and your friends standing on the train tracks and finding the dead body. Take pictures to make your other friends jealous.
Next-Level Tips: When driving back to the city, stop at your stupid In-N-Out and get your dumb animal-style burger. Eat with shame while driving. You could have had Burgerville. The podcast will save you.
Brontë’s Rating: 10/10 would not recommend if you are afraid of bridges or are the Headless Horseman furiously chasing down Ichabod Crane. Otherwise, definitely have at ‘er. Everyone needs to recreate the dead body scene at least once in their life. Not sure about the In-N-Out hate, but when you get the animal-style fries IT IS A RULE that all newbies eat the mess in the middle (you’ll know it when you see it) WITH THEIR FINGERS. Forks are reserved only for the seasoned In-N-Outter.
For the basic in us all who still thinks word puns are funny (they are not). All you dad-joke lovers, follow me:
The Spot: The Yard
Duration: A personal decision also affected by traffic levels.
The Hype: This is a trip that needs to happen on a Saturday or Sunday because it involves crossing the Columbia River to Vancouver and we all know you can only cross the Columbia on Saturday at 9:00 am or Sunday at 10:00. Sometimes you can cross on Sunday at 4:00 pm, but not often, so plan accordingly. Drive to Vancouver. Pretend like you are going to the farmer’s market, which you are not. You are parking at the farmer’s market and then walking directly to the new waterfront area, where you will experience Deanna’s Favorite Basic Activity: going to The Yard. Yes, it is named after recently-grumpy-against-Beyonce Kelis’ song “Milkshake,” because yes, it is a milkshake bar bringing everybody to The Yard, and if you don't know why this is annoying, you don’t belong on this trip.
Next-Level Tips: You’re going to need four people for this adventure because you're going to buy one of their milkshakes for $20.00 and split it. DON’T take pictures, no one cares. Food photos are out.
Brontë’s Rating: If I don’t find three friends to come with me to The Yard soon, I will be going by myself and eating the ENTIRE twenty-dollar milkshake by myself. Also, idgaf what Deanna thinks, words should be played with for the pun of it. Forever.
For all my Portland people because I love you and I want you to have the best Portland end-of-summer experience. Don't tell your family:
The Spot: Manzanita, OR
Duration: Cancel your other plans. This is your whole day.
The Hype: Do you love Cannon Beach? Do you love quaint shops and the delightful feeling of walking in a Goonies movie? Do you love the sandy beach and SHORT distance from parking lot to actual fucking water? Then go to Manzanita, because no Portlander goes to Cannon Beach. They go to fucking Manzanita. GO TO MANZANITA. You’re welcome.
Next-Level Tips: On your drive back home, you’re gonna make an extended trip straight back to the disgusting Highway 26 of hell—you’re gonna take the L—and drive FIRST to Rockaway Beach, where you will find the original Pronto Pup. There you will purchase a Pronto Pup, so you can compare it to the Wild Waves corndog and decide which one is best. You’re also going to order tater tots, the first of which, by the way, were seen in Oregon. If you’re wondering what Oregon exports the most of, it ain’t Christmas trees, it’s tater tots. (Just kidding. It’s integrated circuits.)
Then, you’ll stop at Tillamook Creamery and order to-go a pepperoni pizza, or if you must, their veggie—it’s fine. It’s good—at their newly-minted pizza counter. Wait twenty minutes. Find cheese tastings if they still exist. They don’t. Laugh about how annoying that is. Pick up your pizza, drive home, and eat it while watching The Bear. It’s free on Hulu.
Brontë’s Rating: Listen, I love the beach and everything about this trip, but I’m gonna have to rate this recommendation a 7.5/10 because I TOLD DEANNA A THOUSAND DANGED TIMES that if you are going to Pronto Pup, you ALSO need to order a fried pickle and a fried cheese while you’re there. You just have to. And DON’T leave without their fry sauce. It’s made in-house every morning. It has dill. It’s fucking delicious. Ask for it. Finally, make sure to take a whirl on their Pronto Pup ride out front. It’s free because they put the quarters out for you. Ride it. Take pictures. Buy a hat. This could be the whole damn trip.
Also, who in the hell is buying a pizza and then JUST LETTING IT SIT for an hour and a half while they drive back? No, thank you. Get your pizza, eat it in the car while you drive because we love a mess, cry about how full you are because you just had Pronto Pup, then eat the cold leftovers while watching The Bear when you get home. That is how you live life.
Alright. There you go, champ. You’re welcome. Bring summer home with a bang.